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    A tea-loving, dirt-worshiping circus freak commonly found climbing large trees in a dress and stilettos. A girl finally ready to risk it all and let the world know who she is and what she stands for.
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On Returning to the Stage

I performed in a Physical Theatre class showcase at my circus school last night: my first performance in about a year and a half. The days before the performance were, for me, filled with countless nervous thoughts about how it would go, what could go wrong, would I be terrible? Would I just blatantly suck? Would I let down my amazingly talented classmates and, in a fit of terror, attempt to run off the stage and out of the room as I had during many a class period? Has this year-and-a-half of performance anxiety–nay, personal anxiety– ruined every chance I have for delivering a quality performance ever again in my life?!

As performance time drew closer yesterday, I found myself centering into a rather tranquil space. Was it the eye of the storm? Backstage I watched my cast mates go through their preparations. I am always amazed at the ways different performers prepare for their moment onstage. Some sit still and are pensive. Others are running this way and that, making damned sure everything is in its proper place and that all potential disruptions are quelled before the show begins. Still others are chattering nervously, and others are as chill as can be, completely unaffected. I have different stages. The first stage is the energy stage, where I wake up my body and buzz buzz buzz until I feel like every inch of me is living. Then comes focusing. Nothing else matters but the moment happening onstage. Then I tend to obsessively apply and reapply makeup, do and redo my hair, and go through all sorts of mindless, repetitive motions. First, it keeps me from thinking too much; and second, it allows me to be alone. Last night was a tad different because our wonderful sound guy, also an actor in the show, really needed someone to cue him for music (the music was being run with no visibility of the stage) and the ex-Stage Manager in me tried to help as much as possible. So add that in.

Last night, though, the calm in me was eerie. The little voice in my head, the one that has been saying to me endlessly for the past year, “You suck. You’re not worthy of watching. No one wants to watch a girl like you do anything. It’s hopeless. You should be ashamed to exist.” was suddenly stifled by a much clearer, wiser voice. And it was basking in the familiarity of standing behind a curtain, ready to shoot off onto the stage like a bullet. I left my home at 13 years old to study theatre because I felt an inextinguishable need to be a performer. To act, to feel, and to invite others to come into my world and have a unique and genuine moment with me there. Last night, that same fire was set alight in me again. Except now, I’m not 13 with no knowledge whatsoever. Now I’m 20, with 6 years of rigorous acting training under my belt and a deep actors ‘toolbox’ I can dive into when I need help fleshing out a scene. Of course, none of that REALLY matters when you’re onstage, and last night I dropped into moments onstage deeper than I’ve ever let myself before. Perhaps it is that finally I was allowed to tell my stories without the hindrance of words– I despise words in theatre. When I speak onstage, I feel like I’m lying. The words feel foreign, they gum up inside my mouth and I’m instantly yanked out of the scene. My body doesn’t lie, and this is why I’ve chosen this path to performance. But yes. In the moment. With my scene partners– who were all there right with me. As long as we held onto that magic, I knew our rehearsal work would not be in vain and that we would not send our lovely audience screaming and running out of the theatre. (Though I love it when people walk out of my shows!) It’s not my job to worry about whether it was a terrible or a wonderful evening of scenes. It was my job, my life’s f*cking passion actually, to be on that stage and give it 100% of what I’ve got. I did it– we all did it. My cast mates and director were endlessly inspiring and I’m grateful for how supportive they were throughout the process (I win the “most frustrating artist to work with ever!” award)

I also learned a valuable lesson last night about how I relate to others. I am an in-tro-vert! Say it slowly– and say it quietly. Loud voices frighten me.  My struggle lies in this notion that I’ll never fit in– that my circumstances, my story, and my self are so extreme that I am rendered incapable of connecting with a majority of the people I see every day.  Constantly an outsider to the groups I think I’d like to be a part of, I’ve found myself without friends, without conversation, and feeling incredibly alone. When I was onstage, it finally felt like I was sharing myself! Openly! A huge moment in this struggle. But the second the show was over, when the audience meet n’ greet started, I started feeling that fragile discomfort again. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that those folks came out to see the show– but those moments of flattery that often come a performers way after a show to me seem unnecessary.

I didn’t perform because I wanted you to think I, Haley, am amazing. I performed because there was a story to be told, and a space to tell it and I’m compelled to be a vehicle of it. To be romantic about it, I’m a servant of the story– not its star. So when I disappear after a performance, it isn’t because I don’t appreciate you, Mr. Audience Member. It’s because I just gave you the gift of me for the duration of the performance, and I really don’t want anything in return. It’s also because I  don’t like to speak. I want you to do your part, and walk out of the theatre having changed just a little bit, having come to understand something new, and having thoughts about that. Sure those things seem a little grandiose for a 45 minute performance we gave to about 20 people… but hey. This isn’t the end of my line. I’ll move on to bigger things, but I can’t let my integrity fade due to a lack of production value.

I’m grateful for everyone who made last night happen. My return to the stage has been marked with an overflow of passion and enthusiasm– I am excited for what happens next. Taking my act to the street? Sending in my first Cirque application? Bring it. I’m ready.

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On the Benefits of Theatrical Masking.

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”
-Oscar Wilde

 

When I tell other artists that I prefer to use masks in theatre because of the safety they provide, those artists often scoff and launch into a diatribe designed to make me give up art entirely, because how dare I call myself an artist without being willing to exploit 100% of myself, without danger in my decision making, without risking my entire sense of humanity in order to create a “pure” performance. Apparently those artists speak in ridiculous run on sentences—have you experienced that as well? They just seem to go on and on, like I do. They forget the mask that I mentioned, they even forget that I’m a performer and not a person.  They just spit out these paradigms that they’ve been taught diligently by the private art institutions that their parents so willingly pay for. Safe art is boring, it’s limited, it gives way to little creativity. There is no other way to make art other than to sit on a table stark naked and shove yams up your ass. Right?

I’m here to challenge that notion, particularly as it applies to theatre and circus. I began mask technique at the ripe age of thirteen. It was a mystical world and I couldn’t understand why the masks were treated with such reverence. I was made to enter the studio alone and face over 30 masks. They had human features– a pair of eyes, a nose, a mouth of sorts—but the shapes, colors, profiles and contours of the faces were anything but familiar. And yet, as I met each mask, the reaction I had to each was as unique as meeting 30 different people for the first time. Some seemed to dominate me, others to cajole me, others to make me chuckle or be filled with rage. I’d pick them up hold them level with my face, their blank eyes staring at me. This is the mask in itself.   

Once early humans figured out how to waste less time securing food and shelter, they began to use that extra time to tell stories about how they secured those needs. The skin of a bear was worn over the shoulders, feathers were used for adornment, in some parts of the country a man was crowned with the head of his enemy predator. These were the earliest masks, coverings that man used to shed his own nature and take on another. Man felt an unforgiving need to not only to share his stories, but to take on other character’s roles as well. The second crucial part of mask technique is the actor himself, the man with the urge to tell a story

The third, final, and most subjective part of mask technique is the character. Once I had found my mask to use for the remainder of that class, we set in and spent every Friday afternoon unearthing a character from that mask. Though a series of exercises that encouraged us to “imagine as if it were so”, we began not to decide on a character but instead uncover it. Many of these exercises were physically and emotionally brutal. They were designed to wear us down to a point where we could no longer project our preconceived notions onto the mask, but instead the mask and the actor came together organically and a character suddenly existed. I struggled in this class. My love of making pretty shapes with my body and creating “the best” characters held me back at first, and it wasn’t until one particular grueling exercise in which the narrator of the class led us through a series of frightening psychological exercises (You’re in an underground cave being chased by an unknown evil monster, you can hear it coming behind you and you must crawl forward, the cave is getting smaller, the monster is getting closer… so on and so forth) that I relinquished control to my mask and ended up with a pure and delightful character that I created freely. Physically wearing the mask meant that no one could see the tears streaming down my face or the terror in my eyes as I crawled through the tunnel. All they saw was my mask and my body, my most beloved instrument, “performing” in such a manner that was captivating and present. The mask is the catalyst by which the actor frees himself into a character. The mask is a Rorschach onto which the audience (not the actor) projects the emotions and story that the body is conveying.  Once the actor submits to this, he is free to exist honestly in whatever world that has been created around him. That is the goal in acting, isn’t it?

Masking has certainly developed over time. Early Greek theatre used exaggerated masks to project emotion all the way to the nosebleed section of Epidaurus. In the 16th century the Italians grasped onto the idea, utilizing stock character masks to play out often-improvised scenes and scenarios in Commedia dell’arte. Japanese Noh theatre used intricate masks seemed to change emotion simply by tilting the head. Neutral masking techniques (those plain white masks that are freaky as hell) are often used for movement studies in theatre schools. I would even go so far as to posit that a clown’s nose is just a very small mask that has the same psychological properties as a full or half mask. In cirque we see characters with painted faces, yet another form of masking that aids a performer in honest transformation. Last week I performed my comedic contortion piece for my class. Lately I’ve developed an every day air of understated gracefulness (or so I hope), so I’m sure it surprised my classmates to see me openly acting as an amorous, outlandish French man with a penchant for curvy women. To be honest, it surprised me as well! I gave myself over to that character with such fervor I almost though myself amazing, until I looked closer and realized that all I had really done was use this technique in a minimal way. I created a resting facial positing for him that in no way resembled my own, and I would always return to this position after expressing emotions of any sort. This became my mask, and as a result of that wee bit of safety I was suddenly able to perform with an electricity that I haven’t seen out of myself in a long, long time. Moments happened that weren’t rehearsed or contrived, they were happening to “mon croque monsieur” (translation: my ham sandwich, a fitting name) and he was responding to them organically. That performance inspired me to look back on my mask training and start to understand how it can serve me as a budding circus artist. I do not intend to rehash what has already been done: instead I wish to continue pushing the boundaries that the New American circus movement created for me not too long ago.

Coming back to where we started (remember the precocious artist with the run-on sentences?), I’ll conclude what I always conclude: I’m right and they’re terribly misguided. By giving a man a mask, you are giving him a means to create and show a truth that is far deeper than anything he could accomplish by himself, with his own hang-ups and vulnerabilities.  I would even venture to say that by using this thin guideline of safety we can drive our performances further into that beautiful, dangerous place that is good theatre… and then we can come out the other side without the neurosis that so often afflicts unprotected actors.

Stay tuned for a gut-busting story about a situation my love of masks got me into one day. It includes helicopters and M-16’s, and you should read it.

 

All opinions expressed are my own and have been shaped by my mentors in the art.